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March 26 无题今天看电视，讲季羡林。讲他如何勤奋的做学问，画面里背景大概是北大的某个角落。 突然想起那种感觉。一种在记忆很深很深出盖满尘土的感觉。在老旧的校园里，树边，也许池水边，天色明亮，那种可以让人坐下来看书的闲适、安静、简单和平静。这种感觉似乎离自己已经好远好远好远好远了。 那种感觉在我的体验中似乎只有北京的老旧校园里才有。简单的生活，简单的人，简单的目的和简单的方式。图书馆、食堂、路边的凳子，没有让人选不过来的美食，没有绚烂的电视节目，没有人谈论股票、房价、汽车和金融危机。没有人会告诉你他的月薪、他的车、他的房，你也就不会去考虑你的月薪、你的车、你的房。我们都住集体宿舍，也许他住四人一间，我住七人一间，又能有多大区别呢，我们都不会为此而烦心。 如果你遇到一个兴趣共通的，坐坐走走的聊一聊，可以聊很久，一天，一个星期。如果没有，就不用说什么，总能找到地方，在你闭嘴的时候，你就是安静的，而不会闭上自己的嘴，也躲不过其他人嘴里的嘈杂。 那个时候有时间、有心境、有耐性。大学必须要成那个样子，出了那个样子，是做不出学问的。 有种闲适或忙碌，是因环境而生，长在心里的。现在我还没有上班，有的是时间，要是不想做什么真可以一整天都没事情做，但却是在过去在学校里最忙时都没有过的紧张和压力之中。我说怎么今天在电视里看到那一个画面，感觉像是梦一样的。 这些东西肯定跟环境有关，但不知道到跟时间背景有没有关系，不知道今天还在北京那些校园里的人，还有没有那种享受了。 December 18 关于一个男人的孤独男人其实挺孤独的。
我一说这句话肯定就会有很多人发笑。呵呵。首先，真正的男人大多是不会用“男人是...”这样的句式的，再加上这是一句对做男人的感慨，更让人觉得这明显不是一句男人说出来的话，明显是一个还没长大的男孩以自己幼稚的方式假扮成熟。算是吧。呵呵。
我以为男人也是人，同时也一直相信了所谓“人生来平等”这样的美丽理想。但是现实中发现在很多关系中，这两个信条的联合运用，其后果是悲剧性的。那么从逻辑上来说，必然是这两个信条的其中之一，或二者皆是，有问题的。
的确男人因为体质特征与女人不同，此点作为最初的因素分化了男女的社会分工，而随着所谓社会进步，性别分工越来越大，男人从分工角色的不同逐渐变为责任不同，义务不同，（当然不可否认的享受的权利也大不相同）。作为一个并不反社会的男性，我理解并接受男人在社会家庭所承载的责任和义务，但是明显我对所需要承载的东西并不完全了解，也不断的有新发现。
之所以觉得男人孤独，是因为在很多情境下，男人需要，也必须，以一个人的状态存在。而且我发现，从陪伴者是人的角度来说，确实，真的是，一个人。家庭、伴侣、朋友这些通常获得分享、分担、支持、理解的因素，当然作用依然并会一直存在，但是我们会发现在某一天，一个声音对你说，够了啊，差不多就行了，那些东西获得的差不多就行了，是有个度的，而在另一天会发现，这个度其实不大，而且对一个男人来说，会越来越小。
这种情况在现实中的表现大概有：有话找不到人说或者觉得没有人可以说/愿意说；有问题不能说因为怕对别人也造成消极影响；心里有疑惑有难过也同样不能说，第一怕给别人造成消极影响，第二你会被期待自己去承担和解决。倾述变成，从自己的方面说并不解决问题，从别人的方面说有可能被看作软弱的表现。以前听汪峰的歌里面常常有诸如，因为我们生来孤独、强颜欢笑、笑着哭之类的字眼，觉得他是在一种精神状态，但现在看来，如果他说的是作为一个现代社会的男性来说得这些状态，那么可能就是具有一定普遍性的。家人是自己最为了解的社会关系，自己深深知道家人对自己的付出以及他们自己的问题，所以是不可能由家人来扮演所谓分享的角色，相反社会对男人的期待是，当你长大了，作为一个男人你应该来承担起家人的问题。朋友是非亲非故非血缘非异性吸引而建立的纯感情关系，很单纯，朋友当然是愿意分享，但是应该限于愉悦或者小悲伤以怡情的范围内，我们也不想因为自己的问题把别人搞得灰头土脸的，而且遇到能明白你的确实也不容易。其实很多时候最想分享的是最亲密的人，伴侣。但是，再这样的情况中二人关系远没有性别角色的影响力大。两性关系两性关系嘛，是建立在性别差异上的，性别角色先于其他，首先要做好的是自己性别的角色，其实才是别的。以前流行过一首歌，“好男人不能让心爱的女人受一点点伤”，当时我听到这首歌的第一反应其实是，觉得这个男的挺憋屈的。当然彼时本人仅仅是个无忧无虑天真无邪的小男孩儿。当然现实来说这样的好男人是不可能存在的，但是每个男人都会被期待做一个好男人。Fair enough，天经地义。
这些感受我相信有人明白，那些坚毅的脸，只在闭门祷告才会流下眼泪，他们会明白。那样的祷告让我感动。
Philip Yancey在Where is God when it hurts这本书里提到，如痛楚、恐惧等消极感觉一样，孤独的感觉也有积极的效果。强烈的孤独感的积极效果是让人对非孤独的状态，如有人相伴，会分外感动。我理解，我想起06年世界杯，黄健翔发飙在意大利对澳大利亚的那场比赛的点球中狂喊：你不是一个人在战斗！你不是一个人在战斗！在你身后是马尔蒂尼、是法切帝......这句话一定让很多孤独的男人流下热泪。男人的一生在战斗，而他们最希望听到、看到的，不就是这个么？“你不是一个人在战斗！”
男人有幸被文化、或者社会、女人、甚至自己放在一个更高的位置，不过高出不甚寒。也许当男人再伸出手，也只能是往上申了，而能往下伸出手来拉你一把的，必来自于天上。
我想起电影教父中Michael Colleone作为一个孤独而坚毅的男人的悲剧一生。当然这是个比较极端的例子。而且也许很多人会认为，包括我自己，认为他的悲剧并非出于他作为孤独男人的角色，而是他娶了个不适合的、非意大利的、美国妻子。
也许我还有很多不明白，没有学到，也许这样看与家人、朋友、或者伴侣的关系不正确。那就继续学习吧。 November 06 In Andrew's placeToday went the Andrew's group. I was sitting on the one side of the sofa. Two years ago, one evening on this very place, I made the commitment to the Lord, from that moment, my life and myself have been changed. At the end of meeting, Lynette told everyone about my leaving. Some people are new to me and only spent several months with me, some have been knowing me for one year, and for some it has been two years we support and care each other. When Lynette was speaking, she almost cried and nearly couldn't finish. Then everyone came around me and prayed for me. When I finally left the house, I gave Lynette and big hug, tears running out of my eyes, I couldn't say anything, just waved goodbye to everyone. I don't know how I'm going to cope with it, hehe. Tomorrow, in Jen's place, I would be expecting some embarrassed moment that speaking with tears and weird voice. On Friday it's Chinese Fellowship, Zhengzhong told me today there would be a surprise. Sunday in the Church, Tom would play three of my favourate songs in the worship. And the final Tuesday with Carolyn and Oliver... It's really hard to experience every last 'something'. But Sarah insists that this is not the end, she would come back with me. Carolyn said the same thing. I would believe that now, because God won't just gave all these things to me for a while and says that's it, that's the end. He won't just let me have a taste and take away forever. There must be something. Dear Sarah, thank you for the hope and faith. P.S. My dear babe, I'm really sorry for today, and for the everything I've done wrong and every pain I've brought you. One thing we learn today is that we have no excuse to judge other people. Because our judgement is not basing on the truth, but basing on our own favour. That's exactly what I have done today. I said you are wrong only because I felt hurt and I don't like that, not actually meaning that you are really wrong. I have no right to judge you, only God does. I'm sorry for the wrath and unkindness. I'm sorry I've sinned. I sincerely prayed to God for the forgiveness from God and from you, for the comfort from God to you, and for the strength He gives me to repent. I might sin again and again, but please believe that God will change me eventually, I would love you more, and in a better way. November 05 To my cell
November 02 Green FieldOnce there were green fields, Kissed by the sun. Once there were valleys, Where rivers used to run. Once there were blue skies, With white clouds high above. once they were part of, An everlasting love. We were the lovers who, Strolled through Green Fields. Green fields are gone now, Parched by the sun. Gone from the valleys, Where rivers used to run. Gone with the cold wind, That swept into my heart. Gone with the lovers, Who let their dreams depart. Where are the green fields, That we used to roam? I'll never know what, Made you run away. How can I keep searching When dark clouds hide the day.. I only know there's, Nothing here for me. Nothing in this wide world, Left for me to see. Still I'll keep on waiting, Until you return. I'll keep on waiting, Until the day you learn. You can't be happy, While your heart's on the roam, You can't be happy Until You bring it home. Home to the green fields And me once again. I know I did the right thing My love I know it's a blessing... October 30 Flight ticket booked
October 27 杂早晨坐在床边，望着窗外。说不清心里是什么感觉。眼前有两个选择，要不是用手捂着脸，飙一通眼泪，要不对着面前一堆乱七八糟的东西一顿乱踹。很惊讶男性和女性的发泄方式同时出现在同一个个体身上，只是最终的选择会不大一样罢了。状态也越来越不好，事情却越来越多，而且越来越乱。到现在发现，似乎每件事情每个方面都出了问题。 但是我什么都没有做，任何一种方式对事情都没有帮助。也许这是成长的一部分，没有帮助的事情，就不做。可是什么有帮助呢？不知道。也许成长是这个意思，不会去做没有帮助的事情，但不代表会去做有帮助的事情，成长不一定是变得更聪明。也许这就是大人懒的原因。我们总是小孩喜欢偷懒，其实只是针对他们不喜欢做的事情，对于他们喜欢做的，小孩子永远都会很有激情。 走在路上，一个人从身边走过，第一感觉是他想打招呼，可是他抬头看了我几眼，最终走过时他的表情是明显的阴沉下来，于是我能想象我当时的脸色有多难看。 Church，service，结束以后坐在那发呆。 Carolyn和Oliver很好的说要带我去走走，说实话，我没心情，可是要走了，总该去一次。他们开车带我去了一个很美的小镇，挺远的，Chipping Campden。穿过树林中的路，看着两旁秋叶的各种颜色，横穿路面跑过的野鸡，斑鸠。小镇以乳黄色的石头建筑闻名，很整洁，很美。小镇不大，古朴，但是没有Stratford大，没有那么喧闹。我很喜欢这样的地方。一下车，我就对Carolyn说：我甚至还没开始走就知道我会很喜欢这个小镇，我再回来旅游的时候一定会带Sarah来，在这过夜。在一间很古老的小屋子里吃了午饭，local sausages，很好。边和Oliver大聊Church of England的历史，脑子里不停的在picture带娜娜来的情景，住在这样一栋房子里，在这底楼的Bar吃当地出产的东西，就坐在这古老的桌子旁，然后出去在古老的街道上走。我跟Carolyn说，当我告诉其他人我想来英国度蜜月，他们觉得我疯了。那时的情景是：对方说，没有人会想来英国度蜜月。我说，当然有，这个人就坐在你对面。呵呵，那你女朋友就不会嫁给你了。我没说什么，但我想，她会的。然后去走，风景很美，很泥泞很泥泞。我说Sarah也喜欢走路，我还给她买了walking boots。迎面走来一对couple，hand in hand。坐在车里我想，我要带她去Lake district，要来这里，每个地方多少天，来英国的旅程需要多少天，一直在盘算。Carolyn他们又带我去了附近的一个更小的镇子，这里更好，很安静，没有多少游客。我问这里走到Chipping Campden远不远。不远。我说那我下次来就带Sarah住在这，然后可以走去Chipping Campden。他们觉得这想法很好，于是开始帮我问沿路旅店的价格。我很感激。 时间过得很快，也很急。我意识到还有好多地方都没去。我想去威尔士北部的海边，在胡子怡的相片里看过，那地方只需要站一站，就会感动不已。伦敦的大英博物馆也没去过。南边Landsend也没去过。以后有机会么？其实我想不会有了。再回来旅游，也不会有时间去cover那么多的空缺。 回来很累，不过雷霆李宥言Cindy准备了一天的食物，我不能让他们失望。很好吃，孩子们都长大了，放心去罢。 晚上回来走过ATM，看了一下还有多少钱。没多少了。本来打算存一些，没想回来推掉以后就没再能回去工作。吸一口气，觉得很冷。我想钱的事我能明白，压力大，是，不知道该怎么办，是，但是夏天我回家的时候有点钱，就一副牛逼的不行的样子，好像有钱了就能不再受父母约束，父母说什么也不在乎了的样子。这下让我看到了点颜色，英镑不再那么值钱，回来以后也没有再有进账。这一课我是学到了，有钱不应该有臭脾气。可是需要的地方怎么办呢... 平安喜乐其实是很难的任务。 事情多，乱，本来觉得自己能熬过去，也不想说出来。可是越是自信能熬过去，更麻烦的事情越会出来，让我看到其实自己没有资本那么信心十足。 很晚了，还有明天的计划，办事的地址要查，准备，还有些别的事。有两天的全天活动，也连着有几天没有把心和脑袋里的那个弦放下来了。嗯，不，这还没完呢。 我想结束的时候来个笑脸的。今天这些事情实在让嘴巴拉不开。 October 22 My church上周日，我如往常一般去church。一个极端典型的我的星期天早晨。没有任何特别的东西我可以告诉别人，没有任何令人兴奋的事情。但是正是这样的典型，剧烈的拨动着我离别的情绪。
一切都很典型很普通，早晨去，拿了一大杯咖啡，到咖啡的朋友是新来的international student，问我要big mug还是small，我笑着说big please，然后问我要不要牛奶，yes please。然后拿了个牛角包。找了几个生面孔（新来的international students）聊起来，我是international welcome team的，这天是我on duty。一个大陆来的女孩儿，一个大陆来的男孩，一个台湾女孩。聊了会，service开始，进去，李宥言给我留着座位。
Worship，听sermon。和往常一样，自然的联系到这周内我经历的事情，刚好那天早上自己又犯了小错，在sermon里得到启示，受到一些启发，sermon结束。一切都是最典型的Sunday morning service，这样的Sunday我再过去的两年里经历过了无数次。
但是正式这些典型，我意识到，这一切的典型，如此习以为常的Sunday morning，就要结束了。在sermon结束后的worship里，我突然变得很情绪，唱着歌，眼泪留下来。开始我还以为是点小情绪，没想到后来越来越厉害。一般唱几首歌，service就结束了，大部分人都会去拿咖啡喝或者聊天，但是通常worship team会继续唱一会。我依然站在那，跟着唱完每一首歌，眼泪越流越厉害，控制不住了。唱完了，坐下，依然停不下来。李宥言在我旁边坐下来，塞了一堆纸巾。我以为他不会说话，我以为他会认为是唱歌感动了，没想到他说，离开自己的团契是很难的，然后说了些鼓励的话。这股情绪来的特别突然，我一直有不舍，但是从来没到需要大甩男儿泪的程度，这个早晨我自己都被自己吓一跳，他竟然知道我是为什么流泪，我很感激。然后他安静走开。我很想上去找个我熟习的人帮我pray，但是哭成这样，一个大男人流这这样的泪，说话都说不出，还是不要去让别人尴尬了。过了一会Oliver走过来坐下，也许他看到我在哭，也许有人看到告诉了他。他坐下来，说，you don't look to be extremely happy。他说话我总是会回应的，但是我实在说不出，调整一会，很勉强的说，I just suddenly became very emotional for my leaving。然后他又说了些什么，我也没弄清楚。Oliver是个很严肃的人，我知道他很不善于处理这样的情况，但是我很感激他过来问问。过了一会，他站起来走了。
我站起来，想回去了，中午本来church有午饭给过去的hospitality team，我是，但是是在没有心情留下来吃饭，只想快点回去，和宝宝说会话。起来后，新来的那几个international students问我能不能给他们免费的bible，我有点过于职业笑着回应他们然后帮着去找，不知道当时在他们看来是个什么样子，眼睛里还是泪。找到，介绍我们的international cell，留了他们的联系方式...弄完了就往回走。
我其实一向是比较emotional的人，大学毕业，王晨曦颜晓杰他们走的时候，抱着哭得稀里糊涂的。这两年变了很多很多，今天这状况，把自己也吓了一跳。
church其实本来就是个容易让人吓到自己的地方。 October 11 The end of a era
--I've been praying to the Lord for long time that please show me your plan for my future, lead me to the way you want me to go, and arrange the schedule for me, for your plan for me is the best, and your timing is perfect. 很突然，也许看起来有些仓促的，离开英国的时间迫近了。 本来打算看看宝宝回家询问的情况，然后做出安排，只要在年底前回去就行。但是一方面看起来可能性不大，不是因为人的因素，而是因为具体开始实施的过程也许会很久，申请护照，从英国寄邀请信，申请VISA，等等，一两个月之内很难实现。而看到爸发来的消息，公务员考试在十一月三十号，也许我应该试试，于是就这样不由自主的走到了这个时候，也许，在英国的最后一个月。 于是突然就忙碌起来，本来的时间计划需要加快，需要买的东西需要尽快买到，需要见的人一一道别需要马上做了。 我的Diary从来没有的被记上了很多东西，都是要做的事。查资料，安排好签证的续签，申请留学回国证明，claim tax return，等等。今天查了很多东西，当日的To Do List一行一行的划去，明天，后天，之后一个星期，几个星期的To Do List又被填满。打了几个电话，周一去给Andrew做饭，周二去给Tom做饭，其实就是行前道别，也已经安排好，明天需要work out menu。之后还有给Elaine和Jennifer，还要见Gary。也许他们只是以为是好友的一次相聚，却想不到在他们面前坐下以后，我就会告诉他们在一个月之内我就会最终的离开。这些见面要说的话我也想了很久，要说什么，怎么说，都做好了准备。一切都纳入安排之中，按照单子一件一件做，因为忙碌，因为说再见的困难，临行道别像是工作。"...I've made a decision...this is a really very difficult decision for me to make, that I'm leaving England in about month time, for good (means permanently)..." 我不知道他们会是什么反应，可能多少会有点emotional，well, this is what we have to face to. 然后回办公室和同事道别，June Kenny, Kieran, Claire, Anne, Jacky, Sharon and Michael... 在英国呆了两年。两年没什么，不算长。不过，我总是说对我，我的personality，我的想法，影响最大的时候是高中的两年，认识陈弦，认识胡子怡，现在要说再见的这两年是第二个对我有很大影响的时期。这也是为什么我希望宝宝能来看看，也许能更好的认识我。这两年里，我相信了神，熬过孤独，和太多的陌生人接触，作为一个外国人开始生活，开始工作，学会做事，开始赚钱，认识很好的朋友，进入陌生人的家庭并慢慢融入，得到难得的机会，决定放弃，等等。要结束，不是很容易，但是doable. 我不是一个会为自己的选择后悔的人，而在这件事情上我就根本不会后悔，因为我看不到有比这个更好更可行选择。但不代表一切轻松自然。在英国的生活有太多，也变化太多... 事情常常来得出乎我们的预料和安排。对于我来说，这是神的作为和美意。如果不是办公室告诉我雇用我的时间将在XX结束，我不会考虑要回去看一趟；如果不是回去一趟见了面，我不会觉得两个人必须要空间上在一起，于是决定要最终回国；如果不是再回英国后，一回来就出现个机会，我不会这么快的无比清晰的意识到，对我来说什么才最重要，什么选择才是我真正想要的，于是很快很坚决的做了最终决定并且马上开始着手准备，要不然我不知道又要多拖几个月；如果不是知道十一月底有考试我也许应该试试，我不会定下来什么时候走，并且不会这么快的去实行...这些我相信都是神的安排，我有大的方向，但一直没有主动的定下具体时间安排，而这些突如其来的事情帮我明晰的做了一个又一个的决定，并清楚的写下了时间安排。我相信都是神的安排，是神的timing，His plan for me is the best, His timing is perfect. 所以我相信我跟着这样走下去，是正确的。另外本来想这次回来回到办公室工作，在回去之前存点钱，方便我们以后开头的时候用。但没想到遇到信贷危机，所有的行业都不景气，包括学校，办公室对我的雇用变得严格，需要申请专门的funding，即使是关系很好的头想留我也没有办法。剩下的够买东西，机票，刚回国的一些花费，除此估计也所剩不多，但是如我所说，这是神的安排，他必提供我们所需要的的。 接下来咨询tax return的信息并办理，有消息了就订机票。 这最后的一个月要怎么过？我想只要把握住两个东西。第一是对神的信心，相信这是他的安排，是正确的安排，走下去后，会发现祝福。第二是对宝宝的心，知道这是正确的选择，是我想要的。凭着这两点，积极，喜乐的走完，心存平安。 This is the end of a era, this is the beginning of a new life.
September 25 重开羊的门/ Be prepared for the life-long prayers羊的门重新开了。 Last Sunday evening service in St John's Westwood, Sister Pipper was preaching about prayer. One of the hardest thing for a Christian about prayer is the fact that our prayers have not always been answered, or not always been answered in the way we are expecting. It is true that prayer is not just simply asking favour from God, but communication. However, not every one can hear or get what the Lord says and build up a both way communication. So a lot of time, praying is a lonely business. Loneliness is one of the most negative emotion we could experience. When we feel lonely when we pray, we would doubt if our prayer is making any sense, or if the Lord is really listening to us and caring about us. These experiences make our praying really difficult. To make the praying even harder? Have a life-long prayer. Sister Pipper told a story. A mother has been praying that her son would turn to the Lord and enjoy the same love and joy from the Lord for the whole life. Eventually her prayer was answered, but on the very day after her funeral ceremony. I heard another fabulous story. A Christian insurance salesman passed by a house when he was working. He suddenly had the strong feeling that he was going to knock that door. But it would not involve an insurance business, but the Lord was asking him to knock that door and preach the gospels. He went up to the door and knocked it with doubt after a struggle in his heart. An old man opened the door. The guy said he wants to talk about the gospel, if he is interested. Surprisingly the old man let him in. Then he sat down and talked about the gospel for an hour. Then the old man cried and committed to the faith. Then the old man went into the kitchen, the man followed, he saw the old man kneeled down and hugged another even older woman and cried. The sales man knew the story later on that the old woman in the kitchen is the old man's mother, who has been praying for her son's converting for the whole life. Praying with no answer is hard. The same prayer for the whole life is even harder. But, what else could be better than a life-long prayer for us to express our love and care? Lord I pray that my girlfriend Sarah and my mother can experience your love, your grace and your mighty power. I pray that they would enjoy your endless love and care, turn to you, and share the eternal life with me. This prayer I would keep for my whole life. Amen. August 27 暂别羊的门我决定暂时停止在这个空间“羊的门”添加任何新博客。“羊的门”暂时关闭。希望在不是很久的以后和大家再次见面，谢谢。
For some reasons, I've decided not to add any new blog entry in the space Lamb's Gate. Lamb's Gate is now temporarily closed down. Hope to see you guys again in short future, Thank you.
这是关闭前的最后一篇，贴出Nick Cave的歌曲 And no more shall we part ，歌词及我自己的简单翻译。出自同名专辑 No more shall we part
And no more shall we part 我们不再分离 the ring is locked upon the finger 指环也锁在手指上 And no more shall we part 我们不要再分离 And no more shall we part 我们不再分离 Lord, stay by me 主啊，与我同在 Lord, stay by me 主啊，请与我同在 For no more shall we part 因为我们不应再分离 August 05 在公共汽车里唱诗歌
这次回国第一站是上海。这是个被欲望充满的城市。迷幻的物质繁华，夜生活欲望的肆意流淌。很多地方让我很不适应，但却又被那些所吸引。这种吸引带来的不是热血和激情，而是让人头晕目眩的压力。从到达到今天，这样的压力一直在，心里和精神上都未得到放松。同时也第一次感觉到David曾跟我说的一种压力，回国看到以前的好友都事业有成，房子车子都有了，很多还结婚生孩子了，自己却还在外面混没有一点定型。我的朋友们虽然还没有房子车子老婆孩子，但是也都很不错了，至少走上了“正轨”，好好往前走就好了。我却仅仅拿着个华威admissions officer后面还加个Temp的名号，面对着未来的一片模糊。
回到家以后的情况是还在英国出发前就预想到了的。大家都说回去一个月也挺好，回家好好休息一下。可是家对我来说似乎很早就不是能休息的地方了。也是这个社会的畸形效果，我竟发现对家有这样感觉的不只是我一个人。在家里压力更大。
后来有了一个机会和我妈说我在英国的两年的经历，说我的信仰，神在我的生命里所做的大能奇事，我妈态度并不消极的回应着，看上去还不错。在英国我在想，哪一方面是我妈最关心的，会让她最感兴趣的，对她最有触动的，能和信仰联系起来。现在我知道了，就是我能找个好工作，我跟她说我这两年的生活如果得到祝福，以后也会如何得到祝福，但都是没有用滴。我的工作是她唯一的concern，这几乎也是她总在说的话题，也是我的压力来源之一，除了这个，别的祝福她不感兴趣。我也几乎放弃了对她更多的交谈，只保持了自己继续的祷告。谈什么呢，谈信仰她不感兴趣；谈未来，只是让两颗颤栗的心共同颤栗而已。这也怨不得我妈妈。
在这里，每个人都不开心，街上的行人都不仅仅是冷漠，却是目露凶光。没有平静，只有燥热，没有安详，只有欲望。
这是个很奇怪的社会，是个很奇怪的时代。我甚至问，在这个地方，这个世代，神的大能在起作用么？神覆盖在这里么？牧人能保护他的羊群么？
我祷告，跟Carolyn写邮件，跟朋友聊，不知道怎么能得到一点点平安，难道要一直到我找到工作的那天？
我不是逃避。我知道英国的生活太简单，太容易，把我们过度的保护得太好了，我不适应这里。但是我渴望去面对，因为我必须面对，我需要跳进去，为我身边的人。只是我不知道，力量、智慧、勇气、机遇，从哪里来？
我遇到一个女人，一个我还没见过的女人。这次回来主要是要去看她，然后确定一些东西。其实我也不知道要确定什么，需要确定什么，并且一两个星期的接触能确定什么。对我来说，其实基本是确定了。在关于我的未来中就此多了一个concern，这是我愿意的，是幸福的。这是我没有经历过的，一段承载更多责任的感情，我想为她考虑，我需要为她考虑。爸妈在说现在公车怎么挤，说工作的地方一个谁谁，手臂青了一块，挤车挤的；说现在老人、小孩、带小孩的、没有身体的，都不能坐公共汽车，听起来像是去打仗。我不想让她每天在人堆里挤，那就需要买车…
今天很早起，坐车去图书馆等大胡，走得早因为要避开高峰期的肉搏。后来见到蔡鸣聿，聊了很多，蔡保持很多东西，所谓理想，所谓生活，音乐、影像、吉他。我不停的谈的几乎都是工作、未来。一餐午饭，抽了两支烟。蔡说，想起同样的人，现在聊得和以前聊得太不一样了。后来蔡问我，有没有什么梦想？我笑了笑说，有的。“找个好工作，结婚”。蔡说，操，不是说这个。我明白他的意思，我像打预防针一样说：蔡，很多都变了，我们也变了，和以前不一样了。然后我说，现在的梦想是赚很多钱。我真这样想。然后我跟他分析了一下我这样想的原因，道理是有的。
他回去上班以后，我坐下来，祷告，除了每天都会涉及的内容，还有在长沙找到个房子能去的时候住。
下午还是没等到胡子怡，三点多了，我开始往回走，要避开下班高峰的肉搏。在车上，人还是比较多，心情还是一样，车厢里有点闷，有点沉。我突然脑子里哼起了诗歌。“有一种爱像那夏虫永长鸣，春蚕吐丝吐不尽…”然后开始唱“从天父而来的爱和恩典，把我们冰冷的心溶解，让我们献出每个音符，XXXX赞美之泉（歌词记不住），让我们，张开口，举起手，向永生之主称谢，让赞美之泉流入，每个人的心间”。唱到“从天父而来的爱和恩典”、“向永生之主称谢”，心里非常感动，在这车厢，这沉甸的心境，对主的赞美变得非常感动。唱着唱着唱出声音来了，反正车里很吵，他们也听不到，倒是希望这诗歌有神奇的力量，给大家带来平静。别人说我是个平静的人，在工作的地方，一个同事说，特别喜欢我坐在对面，让她觉得很平静；Carolyn的来信也说，很怀念我帮他们准本婚礼的时候，给他们带来很多平静。可是现在我的平静在哪里呢？我唱起来“安静”。“藏我在，翅膀荫下；遮蔽我，在你大能手中；当大海翻腾，波涛汹涌，我和你展翅，暴风上空；父你仍作王，在洪水中，我要安静，知你是神！”唱到这个更是感动不已。即便波涛汹涌，即便狂风巨浪，我们依然能展翅上空。哪怕在洪水中，父，你仍然是王。我要安静，因我知道，你是神。Elaine跟我说，no matter where it is, He is in control。是，无论在哪，在英国，在这里，他都是主宰，我们也都要安静，因为他是神。在英国我唱中文诗歌不多，不熟悉，能唱的也就这两首。在公共汽车上，反复唱起来，却有很大力量。因为在英国教会成长，对英文赞美比较熟悉，但现在发现，和中文歌相比，重点确实很不同，而中文的诗歌，真的很符合这个社会的需要。在这个时候，有更大的力量。
Hallelujah June 28 A Walker's Heart英国人有很多传统，其中我最欣赏的、最让我着迷的传统就是Walking。人们对英国人的印象最普遍的是“保守”。在某些方面确实是这样，例如很多地方英国人比较墨守陈规，不轻易打破固有的程序和方式，结果是很多地方效率很低。但是其实英国人是很有开拓精神的。从文化的某些方面可以看出来。例如流行音乐主流力量来源于美国，但其实很多创新的突破却开始于英国，像Beatles，Radiohead。而从历史和英国传统来看也有很多证据。英国人在历史上航海发达，勇于四处开拓新领域。这种Explorer的性格和英国的Walking传统是分不开的。英国有世界上最好的步行路线系统和地图系统，全国每个地区都有供人行走的footpath，同时也有详细精确的地图作为支持。我最喜欢的地图是一个叫Explorer的地图，比例尺1:25000，上面小到仅半米宽的footpath都有清晰显现。
我很感激神把我带到这个国家。
我其实很喜欢徒步。在大学的时候堂哥开始迷上徒步旅行，买了很多装备。我在他的影响下也对这些东西着迷。但是在国内能够实现的多是通常意义上的旅行，逛景区，对徒步的感受只能通过穿着waterproof boots去旅行，但也仅仅是穿梭于城市的街道。觉得自己很了不起的经历也只是去野长城，或者在北京从农大西区所在的马连洼走六个小时到天安门。来英国的时候，堂哥给了我一双waterproof靴子，一件很贵的waterproof上衣。
来到英国以后认识Andrew Smith，一个热爱中国文化，乐于和中国人打交道，在某些方面又很英国的英国人。跟着Andrew，我的waterproof靴子，防水冲锋衣才开始派上用场。开始只是和Andrew拿着地图在华威周围的区域徒步。但很快就有机会和他一起登山。
我很喜欢和Andrew一起登山。我喜欢跟在他后面，一步一步前行。我喜欢跟在后面看着他的步伐，每一步都那么稳健，那么坚定，踩下去踩得很实。徒步登山会遇到各种情况，天气的变化，山势的变化，等等。我喜欢Walker这个词，我不想把它翻译成行者，大概因为余秋雨的行者无疆，觉得这个词有太多文人的臊气。也许步行者是个好词。Walker不仅仅有文人自以为傲的对景色和文化的敏感，更有他们没有的坚忍和勇气。
我喜欢简单，没有价格上万的高级照相机，没有功能强大的吉普车，有的只是耐磨的Walking trousers，waterproof jacket，waterproof boots，大背包，里面装着地图，指南针，水。一切都很简单，没有零食，没有mp3，一切都以实用和需要为标准。搭上一辆火车，到一个陌生的小镇，设计路线，计算路程和时间，出发。吃一顿丰富的早饭，不吃午饭，带一块mint cake以防身体体温下降得太厉害。
晚上拖着疲惫的身子回到Hostel，吃顿晚饭，也许只是一顿Fish & Chips，喝一杯啤酒，坐在沙发上看着四处来的walkers，也许和一个陌生人攀谈，然后坐在沙发里写几张明信片，寄给思念的人。
一切都这么简单，不一定有漂亮的房间，也许要和陌生人挤在放满上下铺的房间。不会担心裤子脏了看上去不好看，关心的只是对走过的风景的回味，和陌生人的交谈，还有在这宁静的时间里的自我。
慢慢的开始学会只依赖于地图，开始学会面对迷路、面对变化的天气，面对随时可能下起的大雨，学会坚定而稳健的步伐，学会行走在陌生山涧的勇敢。 也许行走没有目的地，在hostel人们问我今天走的目的地在哪，我会说，在这里，hostel。徒步没有最终的目的地，也许是下一座山峰，但没有最终的目的地，重要不是到了哪里，而是走过的风景，经历过的天气，谈过的趣事，或者这一天覆盖的距离。
在山顶总是觉得是与神最近的地方，因为那里离天很近。很安静，只有风声，能听得到自己心里的声音，也许还有神说话的声音。或者躺在山坡的草地上，看着海拔四百米下面的小镇，享受着惬意。
希望不久就再有一次这样的出行，希望能有个有共同感受的人一起上路。 June 09 To BirminghamToday went to Brimingham for police register. I remember last time went with Carrie, Joy, it took us not more than 20 mints to get there. But this time I got lost. I walked around, in the middle of no where. checked the Compass all the time, but it was no use in the bloody massive city... I was just like a stupid bird lost in the city. Asked several people, finally got there, took me more than an hour...
I think I never like big city. Just like when I chose the university I was not willing to go to Shanghai. Just like till today I still can't say I like Beijing. I just knew it too well, but don't feel I like it. In the cities like these, I can't even hear the music in my own head...
When I was working in Postgraduate Admissions, sometimes I would think that, according to the experience I have now, if I was a more skillful applicant when I applied the university in UK, my grade actually could perfectly good enough to send me to UCL, which used to be one of my dream, to study in the College that Jeremy Benthem and Austin used to work. But now I am really thankful that God sent me to Coventry, sent me to Warwick. Cause I wouldn't like London, I don't belong to the massive city, I belong to the quiet little place, simple life.
After having done all the stuff, one the way back to train station, I passed Birmingham Catheral. I went in, sat down, prayed, calmed down. then did some other things.
In the train station I got lost again, the time of the train changed all the time, not organised at all. When I got back to Cov, felt exhausted.
May 12 祷告乞求怜悯...神啊，你丢弃了我们，
使我们破败。
你向我们发怒，求你使我们复兴。
你使地震动，而且崩裂。
求你将裂口医好，因为地摇动。
你叫你的民遇见艰难；
你叫我们喝那使人东倒西歪的酒。
你把旌旗
赐给敬畏你的人，
可以为真理扬起来。
求你应允我们，用右手拯救我们，
好叫你所亲爱的人得救。
诗篇 60：1-5
下班回来看到娜娜的留言，说我们快点祷告吧，中国地震了，死了好多人。
心里很难过，我想到神的震怒，我知道这不是神迁怒于我们，但求他显示他的怜悯...
一翻开圣经，进入眼的第一个东西就是诗篇六十，一万二千人战死，而现在的中国，也有过万人死在地震的废墟中。
求神怜悯我们... April 27 今天晚上今天晚上
过去的很多感觉又袭来
脆弱与破碎
孤独和寒冷
可是却没有再感到无助
却几个月来从未如此确定的知道神的存在
他就在我身边
就在我里面
－－－－－－－－－－－
这段时间很累，很疲倦，周一到周五上班，大部分的周末也没有休息，总有事情。上班，别的事情，找工作压力。很希望能有一个上学的时候的假期，真正完全的假期。这份工作五月底就结束了，想休息一下，但又担心以后的工作，又想找一个在学校里的相关的工作接着做。可又真的很想休息，放开不再管，放一阵子。哪怕仅仅是个完全的周末。
凡劳苦担重担的人，可以到我这里来，我就使你们得安息。 我心里柔和谦卑，你们当负我的轭，学我的样式，这样，你们心里就 必得享安息。 因为我的轭是容易的，我的担子是轻省的。” April 23 Hallelujah
在过去的一年里我听这首歌听得很多很多。生命并不总是喜乐的，有时候也是冰冷和破碎的。 前段时间我女朋友竟把这首歌翻译了，挺好的。可能都能看懂，但看了翻译，很多地方却有了新的理解。 下面就把她翻译的那篇blog贴上来。 －－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
这首歌，很喜欢很喜欢
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－ April 13 Collections of the week’s sharings
Wednesday Bible study in the book of Acts
This week’s Wednesday Bible study was continuing the book of Acts in the Bible, New Testament.
Acts is the book follows right after the four gospels in the Bible New Testament. It’s about the stories of apostles happened after Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection. Acts is widely taken as the book which records the history of establishing the Church. But when I read it before, all I have read in this book were the stories of some individuals, they travelled around, did some preaching, did some miraculous things by the power of God. It’s more like just a story book of some missionaries. This time was my second or third times read the books of Acts, I suddenly realised how it records the history of the establishing of the church, how to understand it’s a book of early history of the church. The book of Acts itself doesn’t have any words of comments or conclusions about the apostles’ activities or the stories recorded in the book. It just simply describes the stories, but through which, we can see how church was built up and the situation in that period. The story helped me to understand this is the one recording Paul met Lydia in Philippi and Lydia converted to the Lord. (Acts 16:11-15).
Paul, Silas and Luke (in the scripture the believed writer of the Acts Luke started using ‘we’ as the subject), probably and some other companions went to the Philippi, which is the leading city in Macedonia, in that time was colonised by Roman. It was a Roman colony that time, and was Greek cultural area even before Roman came, so it’s definitely a gentile area. They met a lady called Lydia there. The Lord opened her heart and after listening to the message from Paul, she converted to the Lord and she and her whole household were baptised. Then she invited Paul and his companions to her house. It could be seen that it was not easy for Paul and his companions to make decision of staying in her house. In Acts chapter 16 verse 15, Lydia said ‘if you consider me a believer in the Lord, come and stay in my house’. It’s not only a invitation, but also includes the reason of ‘why not come to my house’, which means Paul and his companions maybe not willing to come. And Luke also said in the same verse ‘she persuaded us’. Why they didn’t want to go to her house? It might be Lydia’s identity. In the scripture it is said that Lydia is a worshiper of God (Acts 16:14), but no more description about her identity. She might be a Jew or a gentile. However, in the area of Philippi, it’s very possible that Lydia is a gentile. And certainly Lydia is a wealthy woman (she is a dealer in purple cloth, which is a very noble and expensive cloth), and maybe even very famous in the area. According to the Jewish law, the Jews could not enter a gentile’s house, could not eat with gentile. If Lydia is a gentile, this must be the reason why Paul would hesitate to go. And even if she is a Jew, Paul would consider it as improper to go to a woman’s house and this woman is the householder. Now the interesting place comes out. I thought, no matter the fact that Lydia is a gentile or the impropriety, can not justify Paul’s hesitation, for he is a Christian, should not discriminate the gentile or mind what others would say if they themselves did nothing wrong. Because when I was reading Acts, I just took it as a story book or a fiction, which has simple logic. I remember the story of Peter leaving for Caesarea to find Cornelius. (Acts 10) God showed Peter a vision that a cloth with all kinds of food. God asked him to eat but he didn’t, he said he would not eat unclean food (according to the Jewish Law). Then God told him ‘Do not call anything impure that God has made clean. Then Peter left for Caesarea and talked, ate, and stayed with gentiles in a gentile’s house. I thought from the moment, the understandings of the Christians were cleared. God’s love is unlimited, it’s for both Jews and gentiles, God bless everyone. But why Paul’s story in Philippi told another account? I suddenly realised that this is exact situation in the early church history. People’s faith was growing, understanding was changing. Everything was changing and struggling. Sometimes things were turning better, sometimes they went back again, the situation was going forwards and backwards. This is the situation in the early church. And this is exactly the situation in China now. I suddenly understood that this is what we call History. It helps me to consider the stories in Acts again and have a overall view how the church looked like in early time. More importantly, it helps me to understand today’s situation in China. Sometimes things are turning better, seems government’s control is looser and more positive; sometimes it is negative. People are struggling, sometimes they are hungry to the faith, sometimes they are limited by the social tradition, family’s traditional views etc. Some communist party members are at same time also Christians. It might seem ridiculous for some people (what? An atheist party member is a Christian?), but those changing, instability and struggles are just like the situation in two thousand years ago in early church time. Most significantly, in my personal life, it is believed that this understanding is exactly the message God wants me to take.
A different understanding about Three-self church
(This part is also based on some information from the Wed bible study)
Three-self church is the form of the government-sanctioned protestant church in mainland China. I understand that this church doesn’t have good reputations in some Christians, both Chinese and non-Chinese Christians.
However, I don’t know if people ever try to consider this issue from another different prospective. The concept of the three-self church is not originated from Communist Party, but from early foreigner missionaries in China. The concept of self-governance, self-support and self-propagation were first raised by Henry Venn, General Secretary of the Church Missionary Society from 1841–73, and Rufus Anderson, foreign secretary of the American Board of Commissioners for Foreign Missions; it was formally drafted in a Christian conference in Shanghai in 1892. It aimed to build up a Chinese church which is independent from control and influences of western churches, to build up a church which is not the Church of England, not the church of America of Germany; it is the church of China, a new type of church. But it couldn’t be realised at the moment. The early church in China was inevitably affected by the churches in western countries in form, structures, services and understandings. The independence from westernisation was realised actually after the P.R.China was built. People might argue that it is not independent at all nowadays. But in someway it was free from another even more powerful influence. It now has a foundation which supplies the possibility to be changed and improved.
But now I see another fact occurs. Now Christianity is rapidly growing in China. One of the factors which has effects on this changing is the returning home of the large number of Chinese students becoming Christians when they study abroad. They accept and grow their Christianity faith abroad, mostly in western countries. Some of them go to local churches and others go to local Chinese churches. No matter which type of church they go to, more or less their Christian views might be largely influenced by local Christian views, in terms of churches structures, form of services, method and style of propagation and so on. When they go back to China, they might play important role in the local churches, both three-self or family churches. And their understandings gaining from their life abroad might influence the church in China indirectly.
I don’t know if the situation I thought is or would be true in China. But this might be the issue worthy to discuss.
Roman Catholics
(From the discussion in CCF on Friday evening)
On Friday evening we had a discussion about various issues in the fellowship. One thing I realised is that the idea about Roman Catholics is very unclear. Maybe I was wrong, but it’s worthy to write some simple things in case any misunderstandings about Roman Catholics occur.
First of all and most important thing to remember, Roman Catholics are Christians, followers of Christ Jesus. In Chinese we have two different words about Christianity, one is 基督教 and 天主教. But in English, there is only one word, Christianity, which includes protestants (what we call 基督教), 新教in Chinese; Roman Catholics (天主教), Orthodox (东正教), and various types of churches (for example, free church). They are all Christians, only have some slight differences in some understandings. The division of these churches is rather complicated. For two of most influential denominations, Protestants and Roman Catholics, it is linked to the religious reforming in 14th century. The division of Roman Catholics and Orthodox were even earlier, in the Roman period. The Roman Catholics in history might not have good reputations, mainly because of the corruption of the church and Pope system. But changing with the development of human civilisation, it is very different from the one in history. And today in some place, the communications between different Roman Catholics and other denominations are pleasantly increasing. The union of the churches is carried on in some areas in the universal love of the Lord and His grace. |
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