羊的门 Lamb's Gate

 

 

这次回国第一站是上海。这是个被欲望充满的城市。迷幻的物质繁华，夜生活欲望的肆意流淌。很多地方让我很不适应，但却又被那些所吸引。这种吸引带来的不是热血和激情，而是让人头晕目眩的压力。从到达到今天，这样的压力一直在，心里和精神上都未得到放松。同时也第一次感觉到David曾跟我说的一种压力，回国看到以前的好友都事业有成，房子车子都有了，很多还结婚生孩子了，自己却还在外面混没有一点定型。我的朋友们虽然还没有房子车子老婆孩子，但是也都很不错了，至少走上了“正轨”，好好往前走就好了。我却仅仅拿着个华威admissions officer后面还加个Temp的名号，面对着未来的一片模糊。

 

回到家以后的情况是还在英国出发前就预想到了的。大家都说回去一个月也挺好，回家好好休息一下。可是家对我来说似乎很早就不是能休息的地方了。也是这个社会的畸形效果，我竟发现对家有这样感觉的不只是我一个人。在家里压力更大。

 

后来有了一个机会和我妈说我在英国的两年的经历，说我的信仰，神在我的生命里所做的大能奇事，我妈态度并不消极的回应着，看上去还不错。在英国我在想，哪一方面是我妈最关心的，会让她最感兴趣的，对她最有触动的，能和信仰联系起来。现在我知道了，就是我能找个好工作，我跟她说我这两年的生活如果得到祝福，以后也会如何得到祝福，但都是没有用滴。我的工作是她唯一的concern，这几乎也是她总在说的话题，也是我的压力来源之一，除了这个，别的祝福她不感兴趣。我也几乎放弃了对她更多的交谈，只保持了自己继续的祷告。谈什么呢，谈信仰她不感兴趣；谈未来，只是让两颗颤栗的心共同颤栗而已。这也怨不得我妈妈。

 

在这里，每个人都不开心，街上的行人都不仅仅是冷漠，却是目露凶光。没有平静，只有燥热，没有安详，只有欲望。

 

这是个很奇怪的社会，是个很奇怪的时代。我甚至问，在这个地方，这个世代，神的大能在起作用么？神覆盖在这里么？牧人能保护他的羊群么？

 

我祷告，跟Carolyn写邮件，跟朋友聊，不知道怎么能得到一点点平安，难道要一直到我找到工作的那天？

 

我不是逃避。我知道英国的生活太简单，太容易，把我们过度的保护得太好了，我不适应这里。但是我渴望去面对，因为我必须面对，我需要跳进去，为我身边的人。只是我不知道，力量、智慧、勇气、机遇，从哪里来？

 

我遇到一个女人，一个我还没见过的女人。这次回来主要是要去看她，然后确定一些东西。其实我也不知道要确定什么，需要确定什么，并且一两个星期的接触能确定什么。对我来说，其实基本是确定了。在关于我的未来中就此多了一个concern，这是我愿意的，是幸福的。这是我没有经历过的，一段承载更多责任的感情，我想为她考虑，我需要为她考虑。爸妈在说现在公车怎么挤，说工作的地方一个谁谁，手臂青了一块，挤车挤的；说现在老人、小孩、带小孩的、没有身体的，都不能坐公共汽车，听起来像是去打仗。我不想让她每天在人堆里挤，那就需要买车…

 

今天很早起，坐车去图书馆等大胡，走得早因为要避开高峰期的肉搏。后来见到蔡鸣聿，聊了很多，蔡保持很多东西，所谓理想，所谓生活，音乐、影像、吉他。我不停的谈的几乎都是工作、未来。一餐午饭，抽了两支烟。蔡说，想起同样的人，现在聊得和以前聊得太不一样了。后来蔡问我，有没有什么梦想？我笑了笑说，有的。“找个好工作，结婚”。蔡说，操，不是说这个。我明白他的意思，我像打预防针一样说：蔡，很多都变了，我们也变了，和以前不一样了。然后我说，现在的梦想是赚很多钱。我真这样想。然后我跟他分析了一下我这样想的原因，道理是有的。

 

他回去上班以后，我坐下来，祷告，除了每天都会涉及的内容，还有在长沙找到个房子能去的时候住。

 

下午还是没等到胡子怡，三点多了，我开始往回走，要避开下班高峰的肉搏。在车上，人还是比较多，心情还是一样，车厢里有点闷，有点沉。我突然脑子里哼起了诗歌。“有一种爱像那夏虫永长鸣，春蚕吐丝吐不尽…”然后开始唱“从天父而来的爱和恩典，把我们冰冷的心溶解，让我们献出每个音符，XXXX赞美之泉（歌词记不住），让我们，张开口，举起手，向永生之主称谢，让赞美之泉流入，每个人的心间”。唱到“从天父而来的爱和恩典”、“向永生之主称谢”，心里非常感动，在这车厢，这沉甸的心境，对主的赞美变得非常感动。唱着唱着唱出声音来了，反正车里很吵，他们也听不到，倒是希望这诗歌有神奇的力量，给大家带来平静。别人说我是个平静的人，在工作的地方，一个同事说，特别喜欢我坐在对面，让她觉得很平静；Carolyn的来信也说，很怀念我帮他们准本婚礼的时候，给他们带来很多平静。可是现在我的平静在哪里呢？我唱起来“安静”。“藏我在，翅膀荫下；遮蔽我，在你大能手中；当大海翻腾，波涛汹涌，我和你展翅，暴风上空；父你仍作王，在洪水中，我要安静，知你是神！”唱到这个更是感动不已。即便波涛汹涌，即便狂风巨浪，我们依然能展翅上空。哪怕在洪水中，父，你仍然是王。我要安静，因我知道，你是神。Elaine跟我说，no matter where it is, He is in control。是，无论在哪，在英国，在这里，他都是主宰，我们也都要安静，因为他是神。在英国我唱中文诗歌不多，不熟悉，能唱的也就这两首。在公共汽车上，反复唱起来，却有很大力量。因为在英国教会成长，对英文赞美比较熟悉，但现在发现，和中文歌相比，重点确实很不同，而中文的诗歌，真的很符合这个社会的需要。在这个时候，有更大的力量。

 

Hallelujah

 

英国人有很多传统，其中我最欣赏的、最让我着迷的传统就是Walking。人们对英国人的印象最普遍的是“保守”。在某些方面确实是这样，例如很多地方英国人比较墨守陈规，不轻易打破固有的程序和方式，结果是很多地方效率很低。但是其实英国人是很有开拓精神的。从文化的某些方面可以看出来。例如流行音乐主流力量来源于美国，但其实很多创新的突破却开始于英国，像Beatles，Radiohead。而从历史和英国传统来看也有很多证据。英国人在历史上航海发达，勇于四处开拓新领域。这种Explorer的性格和英国的Walking传统是分不开的。英国有世界上最好的步行路线系统和地图系统，全国每个地区都有供人行走的footpath，同时也有详细精确的地图作为支持。我最喜欢的地图是一个叫Explorer的地图，比例尺1:25000，上面小到仅半米宽的footpath都有清晰显现。

 

我很感激神把我带到这个国家。

 

我其实很喜欢徒步。在大学的时候堂哥开始迷上徒步旅行，买了很多装备。我在他的影响下也对这些东西着迷。但是在国内能够实现的多是通常意义上的旅行，逛景区，对徒步的感受只能通过穿着waterproof boots去旅行，但也仅仅是穿梭于城市的街道。觉得自己很了不起的经历也只是去野长城，或者在北京从农大西区所在的马连洼走六个小时到天安门。来英国的时候，堂哥给了我一双waterproof靴子，一件很贵的waterproof上衣。

 

来到英国以后认识Andrew Smith，一个热爱中国文化，乐于和中国人打交道，在某些方面又很英国的英国人。跟着Andrew，我的waterproof靴子，防水冲锋衣才开始派上用场。开始只是和Andrew拿着地图在华威周围的区域徒步。但很快就有机会和他一起登山。

 

我很喜欢和Andrew一起登山。我喜欢跟在他后面，一步一步前行。我喜欢跟在后面看着他的步伐，每一步都那么稳健，那么坚定，踩下去踩得很实。徒步登山会遇到各种情况，天气的变化，山势的变化，等等。我喜欢Walker这个词，我不想把它翻译成行者，大概因为余秋雨的行者无疆，觉得这个词有太多文人的臊气。也许步行者是个好词。Walker不仅仅有文人自以为傲的对景色和文化的敏感，更有他们没有的坚忍和勇气。

 

我喜欢简单，没有价格上万的高级照相机，没有功能强大的吉普车，有的只是耐磨的Walking trousers，waterproof jacket，waterproof boots，大背包，里面装着地图，指南针，水。一切都很简单，没有零食，没有mp3，一切都以实用和需要为标准。搭上一辆火车，到一个陌生的小镇，设计路线，计算路程和时间，出发。吃一顿丰富的早饭，不吃午饭，带一块mint cake以防身体体温下降得太厉害。

 

晚上拖着疲惫的身子回到Hostel，吃顿晚饭，也许只是一顿Fish & Chips，喝一杯啤酒，坐在沙发上看着四处来的walkers，也许和一个陌生人攀谈，然后坐在沙发里写几张明信片，寄给思念的人。

 

一切都这么简单，不一定有漂亮的房间，也许要和陌生人挤在放满上下铺的房间。不会担心裤子脏了看上去不好看，关心的只是对走过的风景的回味，和陌生人的交谈，还有在这宁静的时间里的自我。

 

慢慢的开始学会只依赖于地图，开始学会面对迷路、面对变化的天气，面对随时可能下起的大雨，学会坚定而稳健的步伐，学会行走在陌生山涧的勇敢。

也许行走没有目的地，在hostel人们问我今天走的目的地在哪，我会说，在这里，hostel。徒步没有最终的目的地，也许是下一座山峰，但没有最终的目的地，重要不是到了哪里，而是走过的风景，经历过的天气，谈过的趣事，或者这一天覆盖的距离。

 

在山顶总是觉得是与神最近的地方，因为那里离天很近。很安静，只有风声，能听得到自己心里的声音，也许还有神说话的声音。或者躺在山坡的草地上，看着海拔四百米下面的小镇，享受着惬意。

 

希望不久就再有一次这样的出行，希望能有个有共同感受的人一起上路。

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

今天晚上

过去的很多感觉又袭来

脆弱与破碎

孤独和寒冷

可是却没有再感到无助

却几个月来从未如此确定的知道神的存在

他就在我身边

就在我里面

 

－－－－－－－－－－－

 

这段时间很累，很疲倦，周一到周五上班，大部分的周末也没有休息，总有事情。上班，别的事情，找工作压力。很希望能有一个上学的时候的假期，真正完全的假期。这份工作五月底就结束了，想休息一下，但又担心以后的工作，又想找一个在学校里的相关的工作接着做。可又真的很想休息，放开不再管，放一阵子。哪怕仅仅是个完全的周末。

 

 凡劳苦担重担的人，可以到我这里来，我就使你们得安息。
 我心里柔和谦卑，你们当负我的轭，学我的样式，这样，你们心里就
必得享安息。
 因为我的轭是容易的，我的担子是轻省的。”

 

 

Wednesday Bible study in the book of Acts

 

This week’s Wednesday Bible study was continuing the book of Acts in the Bible, New Testament.

 

Acts is the book follows right after the four gospels in the Bible New Testament. It’s about the stories of apostles happened after Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection. Acts is widely taken as the book which records the history of establishing the Church. But when I read it before, all I have read in this book were the stories of some individuals, they travelled around, did some preaching, did some miraculous things by the power of God. It’s more like just a story book of some missionaries. This time was my second or third times read the books of Acts, I suddenly realised how it records the history of the establishing of the church, how to understand it’s a book of early history of the church. The book of Acts itself doesn’t have any words of comments or conclusions about the apostles’ activities or the stories recorded in the book. It just simply describes the stories, but through which, we can see how church was built up and the situation in that period. The story helped me to understand this is the one recording Paul met Lydia in Philippi and Lydia converted to the Lord. (Acts 16:11-15).

 

Paul, Silas and Luke (in the scripture the believed writer of the Acts Luke started using ‘we’ as the subject), probably and some other companions went to the Philippi, which is the leading city in Macedonia, in that time was colonised by Roman. It was a Roman colony that time, and was Greek cultural area even before Roman came, so it’s definitely a gentile area. They met a lady called Lydia there. The Lord opened her heart and after listening to the message from Paul, she converted to the Lord and she and her whole household were baptised. Then she invited Paul and his companions to her house. It could be seen that it was not easy for Paul and his companions to make decision of staying in her house. In Acts chapter 16 verse 15, Lydia said ‘if you consider me a believer in the Lord, come and stay in my house’. It’s not only a invitation, but also includes the reason of ‘why not come to my house’, which means Paul and his companions maybe not willing to come. And Luke also said in the same verse ‘she persuaded us’. Why they didn’t want to go to her house? It might be Lydia’s identity. In the scripture it is said that Lydia is a worshiper of God (Acts 16:14), but no more description about her identity. She might be a Jew or a gentile. However, in the area of Philippi, it’s very possible that Lydia is a gentile. And certainly Lydia is a wealthy woman (she is a dealer in purple cloth, which is a very noble and expensive cloth), and maybe even very famous in the area. According to the Jewish law, the Jews could not enter a gentile’s house, could not eat with gentile. If Lydia is a gentile, this must be the reason why Paul would hesitate to go. And even if she is a Jew, Paul would consider it as improper to go to a woman’s house and this woman is the householder. Now the interesting place comes out. I thought, no matter the fact that Lydia is a gentile or the impropriety, can not justify Paul’s hesitation, for he is a Christian, should not discriminate the gentile or mind what others would say if they themselves did nothing wrong. Because when I was reading Acts, I just took it as a story book or a fiction, which has simple logic. I remember the story of Peter leaving for Caesarea to find Cornelius. (Acts 10) God showed Peter a vision that a cloth with all kinds of food. God asked him to eat but he didn’t, he said he would not eat unclean food (according to the Jewish Law). Then God told him ‘Do not call anything impure that God has made clean. Then Peter left for Caesarea and talked, ate, and stayed with gentiles in a gentile’s house. I thought from the moment, the understandings of the Christians were cleared. God’s love is unlimited, it’s for both Jews and gentiles, God bless everyone. But why Paul’s story in Philippi told another account? I suddenly realised that this is exact situation in the early church history. People’s faith was growing, understanding was changing. Everything was changing and struggling. Sometimes things were turning better, sometimes they went back again, the situation was going forwards and backwards. This is the situation in the early church. And this is exactly the situation in China now. I suddenly understood that this is what we call History. It helps me to consider the stories in Acts again and have a overall view how the church looked like in early time. More importantly, it helps me to understand today’s situation in China. Sometimes things are turning better, seems government’s control is looser and more positive; sometimes it is negative. People are struggling, sometimes they are hungry to the faith, sometimes they are limited by the social tradition, family’s traditional views etc. Some communist party members are at same time also Christians. It might seem ridiculous for some people (what? An atheist party member is a Christian?), but those changing, instability and struggles are just like the situation in two thousand years ago in early church time. Most significantly, in my personal life, it is believed that this understanding is exactly the message God wants me to take.

 

A different understanding about Three-self church

 

(This part is also based on some information from the Wed bible study)

 

Three-self church is the form of the government-sanctioned protestant church in mainland China. I understand that this church doesn’t have good reputations in some Christians, both Chinese and non-Chinese Christians.

 

However, I don’t know if people ever try to consider this issue from another different prospective. The concept of the three-self church is not originated from Communist Party, but from early foreigner missionaries in China. The concept of self-governance, self-support and self-propagation were first raised by Henry Venn, General Secretary of the Church Missionary Society from 1841–73, and Rufus Anderson, foreign secretary of the American Board of Commissioners for Foreign Missions; it was formally drafted in a Christian conference in Shanghai in 1892. It aimed to build up a Chinese church which is independent from control and influences of western churches, to build up a church which is not the Church of England, not the church of America of Germany; it is the church of China, a new type of church. But it couldn’t be realised at the moment. The early church in China was inevitably affected by the churches in western countries in form, structures, services and understandings. The independence from westernisation was realised actually after the P.R.China was built. People might argue that it is not independent at all nowadays. But in someway it was free from another even more powerful influence. It now has a foundation which supplies the possibility to be changed and improved.

 

But now I see another fact occurs. Now Christianity is rapidly growing in China. One of the factors which has effects on this changing is the returning home of the large number of Chinese students becoming Christians when they study abroad. They accept and grow their Christianity faith abroad, mostly in western countries. Some of them go to local churches and others go to local Chinese churches. No matter which type of church they go to, more or less their Christian views might be largely influenced by local Christian views, in terms of churches structures, form of services, method and style of propagation and so on. When they go back to China, they might play important role in the local churches, both three-self or family churches. And their understandings gaining from their life abroad might influence the church in China indirectly.

 

I don’t know if the situation I thought is or would be true in China. But this might be the issue worthy to discuss.

 

Roman Catholics

 

(From the discussion in CCF on Friday evening)

 

On Friday evening we had a discussion about various issues in the fellowship. One thing I realised is that the idea about Roman Catholics is very unclear. Maybe I was wrong, but it’s worthy to write some simple things in case any misunderstandings about Roman Catholics occur.

 

First of all and most important thing to remember, Roman Catholics are Christians, followers of Christ Jesus. In Chinese we have two different words about Christianity, one is 基督教 and 天主教. But in English, there is only one word, Christianity, which includes protestants (what we call 基督教), 新教in Chinese; Roman Catholics (天主教), Orthodox (东正教), and various types of churches (for example, free church). They are all Christians, only have some slight differences in some understandings. The division of these churches is rather complicated. For two of most influential denominations, Protestants and Roman Catholics, it is linked to the religious reforming in 14^th century. The division of Roman Catholics and Orthodox were even earlier, in the Roman period. The Roman Catholics in history might not have good reputations, mainly because of the corruption of the church and Pope system. But changing with the development of human civilisation, it is very different from the one in history. And today in some place, the communications between different Roman Catholics and other denominations are pleasantly increasing. The union of the churches is carried on in some areas in the universal love of the Lord and His grace.

 

清明时节雨纷纷

 

路上行人

 

欲断魂

The debts for all my sins,
those have been done,
those I am doing,
and those I will do,
have been paid.
The Lord bore them with him,
Hanging on the cross.

 

But I won't be fully accepted by the world.
Some people still accept me and love me,
maybe not many,
but they become my friends,
and one of them,
now becomes my girlfriend.

 

I can uncover all my sins,
my hiden shames,
but she is still smiling to me,
gently saying it's ok, I understand.

 

She's not a Christian,
and we've never met.
It sounds crazy,
but this is it.

 

We understand,
that meeting face to face might be a huge difference,
but we would like to try and see.
And I don't plan to go back soon,
but we would like to see how the Lord is leading us.

 

Though she hasn't converted to the Lord,
but she has a heart of gold.
She said she would like to open her heart to the Lord,
but it takes time.
It doesn't matter,
I spent five years to see the Lord,
I believe,
for you it won't be long.

 

We will keep praying,
keep trying,
to see what HE will do,
in us.

 

He is not here; he has risen, just as he said.

 

                             Matthew 28:6

 

 

Peace with you

 

 

 

 

 

 

（缓慢，柔和的）

蒹葭苍苍，白露为霜。

所谓伊人，在水一方。

溯洄从之，道阻且长；

溯游从之，宛在水中央。

蒹葭萋萋，白露未晞。

所谓伊人，在水之湄。

溯洄从之，道阻且跻；

溯游从之，宛在水中坻。

蒹葭采采，白露未已，

所谓伊人，在水之涘。

溯洄从之，道阻且右；

溯游从之，宛在水中沚。

 

 

     《诗经·国风·秦风》

 

 

溯洄从之，道阻且长； 溯游从之，宛在水中央...

 

今天下班出来，看到天边的一道彩虹。

 

这是我见过最大最完整最清晰的彩虹。

 

 

 

 

94分钟，终场哨响起，米兰0比2完败于阿森纳。

 

看完以后我呆坐着。不想说话。

 

这个赛季米兰将颗粒无收。这都没有关系，只要还留得住卡卡，下个赛季再回来。专心打好联赛，打进下赛季冠军杯，不再受那些名誉的拖累。

 

可是....

 

马尔蒂尼留不住，因为时间留不住。

 

22年光阴献给米兰

 

这是他最后一次出现在欧冠赛场上

 

一个传奇在此落幕

 

一个日渐苍老疲惫的背影

 

一颗忠诚而坚韧的心

 

 

 

 

 

早晨去教堂，去得比较早。到了以后同Andrew还有Chernise一起为Westwood的international students祷告，因为我们是international welcome team